I Need To Hire A Divorce Attorney

By

With the reality of the end of your marriage, comes the realization that it is time to hire a divorce attorney and the best way to find one is to ask for referrals from people you respect. However, it’s not that simple.

Before I expand on that let me say that I recommend not waiting until divorce is a certainty. Getting an initial consultation as soon as you start to consider divorce or think that your spouse may be thinking of divorce is very beneficial. It’ll help prepare you, and you’ll gain an understanding of your rights and obligations. That may ease your fears and reduce your anxiety. Remember, seeking a consultation doesn’t mean you’re going ahead with divorce. It’s simply part of your research.

I recommend that you interview at least three attorneys to find one that you feel comfortable working with. Some lawyers will charge for the initial consult, others won’t. Whoever you end up deciding to go with will likely want a retainer up front, and some may try to pressure you to pay this at the end of the initial consult. Don’t do this … finish your interviews and then decide who you want to work with.

Go to the initial consult with a list of questions about your biggest concerns, such as funding for college, a chronic health issue, spousal support or the impact of being a stay-at-home parent on your retirement. If you or your spouse have assets from pre-marriage or either of you have received an inheritance, getting clarification over the classification of marital assets would be helpful.

I would also get clarification about how legal fees can be paid such as from joint assets. If you don’t have access to your joint funds or don’t have safe access to joint funds then discuss available alternatives, such as paying by credit card, family loans, or available pro bono services. Getting legal advice is extremely important and even more so in situations where your spouse is blocking your access to money.

If you and your spouse are able to still communicate, then it is helpful to have a conversation about the legal process itself and see if either of you have a preference. There are three basic processes – traditional, collaborative and mediation. In a traditional approach, you both hire attorneys and information flows between the two camps but the only time you may have a four-way meeting is in a mediation hearing which in some states is mandatory before proceeding to trial.

With collaborative, you both hire attorneys but you go in committing to find an agreement. During the process there are four-ways meetings and open information sharing. The open information sharing means that if you are unable to come to an agreement, then you have to start over with new attorneys. Not all attorneys will work collaboratively so the legal process you think you will use would affect who you choose.

With mediation, you both work with a mediator to come to an agreement and you may or may not have additional legal representation.

No legal process is inherently less expensive than the other. On the surface, mediation may seem less expensive if you don’t use lawyers as well but it’s important to look at the big picture. You might be saving on legal fees but are you settling for much less than your legal rights or are you giving up more than your obligations? There are other ways to save on your legal expenses.

Most of us aren’t in a position to evaluate a particular attorney’s legal expertise: this is why you ask for referrals. What we can evaluate is how the attorney makes us feel, how closely their divorce philosophy is aligned with ours and their willingness to educate us.

One final word … once you’ve found your attorney, don’t rush into filing. Evaluate your situation and make a conscious decision about the most optimal timing.

4 Ways to Manage The Cost Of Divorce

By

The average cost of divorce in the U.S. is around $15,000 but it can easily run much higher when custody and/or the division of financial assets is being disputed. That’s an expense many people can’t afford or at least are reluctant to spend.

As tempting as it might be to skip the lawyers altogether and to look to do your divorce yourself, that’s often a false economy because you won’t be fully informed about your rights and obligations. That could mean that how you and your spouse agree to divide your life isn’t an equitable split. More than that, since divorce isn’t familiar territory for you, your proposed agreement may have unintended consequences that you won’t discover until years down the road when there may be no restitution or restitution at a price.

Using experts is a must in my book and I always encourage clients to weigh the cost of the expert against the potential cost savings or benefits. For example, a $3,000 a month spousal support payment for ten years has a total value of $180,000. For the recipient, that makes that $15,000 a good investment.

It works on the other side of the aisle too. Let’s say your spouse is asking for $4,000 a month for fifteen years. You consult with your attorney and they say that given your particular circumstances that’s very unlikely; that ten years is much more probable. That would be a cost savings of $240,000. Again, your attorney’s fees look like a good investment.

This has a lot to do with seeing your legal divorce as a business transaction and while it is difficult to separate it from the emotions doing so is a smart way to manage the cost of divorce. There are other ways too and you can read more about those in 4 Ways To Manage The Cost Of Your Divorce over at my Since My Divorce blog.

 

Deciding To Divorce: 5 Ways To Know If Divorce Is Right For You

By

Deciding to divorce is tough. No one wants to make the wrong decision and none of us want to hurt our children.

I’m inviting you to join me on Tuesday November 5, 2013 at 7 p.m. Eastern Time  for a complimentary teleseminar. During this 45 minute call I’ll help you explore:

  • 5 ways to know if divorce is right for you.
  • 2 reasons you may want to act sooner rather than later.
  • One surprising and radical suggestion that will bring clarity to your decision 
  • Who you can or can’t share your feelings with safely.
  • How to break the myth that filing for divorce makes you the “bad guy.”
  • The one moment that brings everything into a sharp focus so that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it’s time for a change.

And I tell you upfront that I will be sharing an audio replay after the event so if you can’t make it live, don’t worry. Just register for the event and I’ll send you the link for the replay.

You can register for the teleseminar here.

Creating Your Personal Divorce Support Team

By

One of the first questions I ask clients is who they’ve got supporting them.

Divorce can be a very isolating time particularly in the very early stages when you’re trying to decide if ending your marriage is the right decision. You might be scared to mention your marital challenges to friends because it likely will change the friendship dynamic and what if you and your spouse do work things out? Same too, with family members – you don’t want them taking sides or inadvertently letting something slip.

Faced with such a major decision the temptation is just to withdraw and cocoon yourself in privacy and while it may be smart to drop some of your social or voluntary commitments, you need the emotional support from friends now more than ever. No matter where you are in the divorce process, you need to create your Personal Support Team.

These are your three or four closest friends in whom you can confide. If you’re in the evaluation stage then it might be just one or two people. They are the people you can call when the negotiations are pushing you to your limit – instead of shooting off a quick, acerbic email or voice mail to your Soon-To-Be-Ex that could be used as an argument against you in negotiating parenting time, you can call one of your Personal Support Team and vent.

Your Personal Support Team has your back. They are the people with whom you can share deeply personal information and be assured that it isn’t going to be shared with your STBX or used in any way against you. They are the people you can turn to tell your story.

Your Personal Support Team are not substitutes for professional advisers such as your attorney, realtor, therapist or coach but using them to brainstorm different options and proposals and to reflect will help you make the most effective use of your professional team and may help you manage your professional expenses. Ask your Personal Support Team to give you honest opinions without being judgmental and with their help you’ll be able to determine exactly what is in your best interests and the best interests of your children.

Your Team are also the people who have the courage to tell you to take the high road when you’re really feeling bitter, angry and revengeful. They are the people to tell you when you’re in the wrong.

Trustworthiness and personal allegiance to you, as opposed to your STBX, are the top criteria for choosing team members. While first-hand experience with divorce may be helpful, depending on the individual’s experience it may also be damaging so it’s not essential. Desirable team members are skilled at evaluating the pros and cons of a situation, are creative problem-solvers, bring different perspectives and most of all are good listeners.

As you identify potential team members ask yourself what strengths each person would bring. When you’ve narrowed down your choices you can approach each person, explain your current situation and ask if they would be willing to serve on your Personal Support Team. Explain what being on your team means and why you see them as an important team member. If you have to persuade someone to support you, that person is not the right choice.

Don’t worry if you can’t identify four people immediately – you can always add to your team later or you can work with a smaller team. Conversely, try not to have more than four people – having more people means spending more time updating everyone, more opinions and the potential for more disagreements – not what you need at this time. This is definitely where quality matters more than quantity.

With your Personal Support Team in place you won’t be tempted to overwhelm your other friends with your divorce details, they won’t see you as being overly needy and you won’t feel guilty about ask them to support you in other ways whether it’s helping you with a task at home, picking your kid from an after-school activity or joining you for a drink. Another potential benefit … your coworkers won’t get tired of hearing about your divorce either.